Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter: In Response to Former Disney Child Star’s Performance at the VMAs
It’s that time of year, the VMA awards, and former child star Miley Cyrus is again front and center in 2015, just as she was in 2013. Thought it was a good time to dust this post off and bring it down off the shelf.
This powerful piece was written by former youth ministry leader Kate Conner who is now developing the post into a three book deal! And remember – this article originally posted after “foam-finger-gate-2013” a full two years before Miley was voted the worst role model for kids by UK parents.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter:
1. If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys. To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts. If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up. If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling. All attention is not equal. You think you want attention, but you don’t. You want respect. All attention is not equal.
ALL ATTENTION IS NOT EQUAL…
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #2. Don’t go to the tanning bed. You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.
DON’T GO TO TANNING BEDS.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #3. When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we know exactly who you’re talking about. People are smarter than you think they are. Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama. Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #5. “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being. Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of. Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #7. Smoking is not cool.
SMOKING IS NOT COOL.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #8. Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” First of all, that’s not true. And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift. Your reputation matters – greatly. You should care what people think of you.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention. Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you. Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego. Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever. You can’t have it both ways. Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t. There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households. The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.
“You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.” Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Top 10 Things to Tell Your Teenage Daughter #10. You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.
There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.
You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.
You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.
You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.
Posted with permission from Kate Conner
Originally posted Aug 26, 2013 @ 11:46
Thank you to my friend Cristy Leonard (owner of fabu kids line Paperlili) who shared her friend Brendalix’s facebook repost of this article in direct response to the Miley Cyrus Performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards (VMAs).
Absolutely awesome. Thank you!
Words of wisdom Tracy. A shame Art Andrews latches his name on your words. Arty has made jokes about female cosplayers posters looking like porn (while it’s ok for his wife to pose in a bikini type StarWars costume on their website), says negative things on gay marriage, cheated on his previous wife while married to her, and also had someone he’s involved with carry a loaded weapon in their carry on luggage.
I absolutely LOVE, adore, can.not.get.enough of your blog post and will be sharing far and wide.
Thank you Ana!
As a dad of a teenager, I just want to thank you for writing this post. Incredibly powerful.
Complete white trash.
YES!!! I wish someone had told me most of this when I was 12!
Has next to nothing to do with an entertainer entertaining to get attention and succeeding at what she intended mightily……The only advice you need is to not let entertainers be your role models and don’t use them as excuses to not think whether adoring them or……pointing feminist nonsense at them as bogeymen out to ruin your life.
Fantastic! This is exactly how I was feeling after all the Miley nonsense, you worded it PERFECTLY!
For a couple of folks who skipped reading the first paragraph of this article: Attribution original article written by former youth ministry leader Kate Conner who is now developing the post into a 3 book deal! (Links above) Thank you to my friend Cristy Leonard (owner of fabu kids line Paperlili) who shared her friend Brendalix’s facebook repost of this article in direct response to the Miley Cyrus Performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards (VMAs).
If she wasn’t famous, none of you wouldn’t say shit! Digital personalities.
It’s so important for young girls to read this. To have them believe it is easeir said than done. I hope a young girl like Miley isn’t judged on this for the rest of her life. There would have been older more experienced people guideing her. Shame on all of them for lining their hip pockets with a insecure young womens silly decision.
Very nicely put. I feel sorry for the posters whose viewpoints about life are so skewed that they think you wrote out of jealousy or are full of bunk. Parents need to realize that they themselves are in charge of training their children, which means talking to them and teaching them, by word and personal example, what is really valuable (like preparing for their futures, not worrying about “fitting in” or having lots of friends); TV, music and movie personalities are not in charge of raising your children and instilling moral values in them.
Miley did EXACTLY what she set out to do. Game. Set. Match.
Excellent piece!
“Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.”
I’d love to see someone put together a mashup of all the Disney movie scenes that dispensed this so-called advice.
I have a few comments.
You advocate being openly emotional, yet you also advocate women being in powerful positions in the business world. Powerful business men don’t cry in public. Or in meetings. Or in front of their employees.
Powerful business men and women are not friends with their employees. They do not share emotions with their employees.
Powerful business men are much different than the being you are describing.
Just saying.
@Trevor you sound more robot than human. Human beings feel! I’m not saying that you should have an emotional outburst everytime there is a business meeting, but as a man I understand that women are far better tuned into their emotions than men are who follow the male model you are talking about. However, you are entitled to your opinions and beliefs so fair play.
The reason the world is so twisted is because we’ve disconnected from our hearts and made the bottom line profit instead of love through economy and capitalist ideology.
I hope that one day the business world can see that and really, I mean really man up!
Very Good Well written and @Trevor men should own up their emotions especially to their coworkers even in high & powerful Business Men may have to Let out a good cry no matter what they are you’re being to macho women may like that but like a man with his feelings too And @B.C. not all men look at women’s breast some actually respect women & their feelings why can’t men also own up to their emotions ???
Disappointingly, you haven’t posted a list for teenage boys ( or “adults,” in general) because the better #1 would be: Don’t treat women like objects… NO MATTER WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO WEAR. Their potentially enticing clothing does NOT mean you have any more rights to them or they deserve any LESS respect. Perhaps reading #1 in this list through that lens is something the author should be told.
an add-on for the boobs suggestion. watch for the guys who look, then catch themselves and make a point of not staring. at least it means they have the home-training to pretend at sense
I read these to my 13 (almost 14) year old daughter, who saw the very first “Hannah Montana” show at about age 5 or 6. She adored Miley aka Hannah. I remember my daughter (wise beyond her years) used to say…”I hope Miley never goes ‘bad'”. She saw the Britney Spears transition from cute plaid school-girl to dirty dancing. I don’t encourage my children (I have 3) to give up hope on anyone! But it does sadden me that Miley’s sweet image in 2006 or so has become so tainted that I really feel for her, and her parents and family, who actually seemed like good people. My position is, that I am going to pray for this girl…Miley Cyrus…that she will find her way back to God and to what God had purposed for her life.
Miley, Miley, Miley……..not a good move. It was horrible!!
Love #9… After I saw her performance I almost felt sorry for the others on stage. She wanted attention…she got it! Jsut the wrong kind… She was trying WAY to hard!!!
I personally don’t care what people think of me. The reason being is because if you can’t accept me for me, I shouldn’t be around you. But I don’t think that means you should go around acting like a moron just because you don’t care if somebody thinks bad of you.
Super confused at number four. Feeling the need to talk about drama (which has more to do about asking for validation of how I feel about a certain situation I’m involved in, rather than gossiping), and hating the negative effects it has on my life, doesn’t say that I “love drama”.
But thanks for writing this up. I disagree with a few things (or rather, I think some of it could be worded better – don’t let ANYONE make you feel less for being an emotional being, not just men) but the message is great.
You’re more than enough. Thank you.
I would expand on #1 that if you try to attract a boy who likes you for your sex appeal only, then he WILL cheat on you and he WILL leave you for another girl because you have not offered him anything he can’t get elsewhere so at the very first test, he will fail you. No matter how awesome your body is, if you make it the focus, it will cause you misery because NO body is so hot that it will keep a man faithful. No sex is so hot that it makes a man monogamous. Look at all the gorgeous women who get cheated on. Build your castle on sand, and you will end up in tears.
guys…. its MTV for christ sake… not Disney channel !!!!!
She is an entertainer….. that`s what she did… entertainer…. everybody had the option to change the channel… there is no such thing as bad press…. grow up already …
Miley’s career should be ruined because of her disgusting performance but I have a feeling that society will reward her unfortunately. It’s sad world we live in. What a disgusting skank.
Good list.
stop passing the buck people. miley cyrus doesnt want to be a role model for your kids. if she wanted to raise children she would have some herself. the easiest way to fix this problem…. turn the tv off. my kids dont watch tv. i just dont allow it. tv stands for trash viewer. i took responsibility for my childrens wellbeing and they dont need to see the garbage on that thing. mtv has been nothing but trash for years, so why were there millions of viewers… oh because america doesnt have any self control, why were your children up watching this garbage. i dont understand. my kids look up to people in our church, women and men in our family and community. be the adult. turn the tv off. and then everyone wont have to whine that miley and all of these other pathetic celebrities arent raising our kids right…. how stupid does this sound.. im dumbfounded this is even going on
I shared this on Facebook. I have some young teen nieces and as a college faculty member, I have older teens as students. This is so well-written. If the people posting here could just realize that this isn’t a comment on Miley Cyrus, it’s a call-to-action for the rest of us, and a rare teaching moment that has to be used quickly to help women remember and recognize their innate beauty and gift. A chance to separate them from the trash that has become commonplace in the media. Thank you for this. It is beautifully written. I hope everyone shares it.
Thank you for your kind words Uma – you clearly get the positive intent of the post. Best wishes!
I agree with the intent of these, but some are poorly worded. Like “follow your heart”, why is that such horrible advice? Sometimes its great, like in a career, you should do what you love (as long as its legal lol). And not caring what others think of you, I think is very important. Running around making dumb choices and dressing like a hooker, is not what I’m talking about. But when you conduct yourself in a respectable manner and happy with who are you are, then you sshouldn’t care what people think , because you know you are the best YOU you can be, and anyone that thinks otherwise can kick rocks.
Mollie, wake up. Mass media is unavoidable. You can’t be with your children every hour of every day. Teaching and talking to your children is how you help them process this stuff (not absolutecontrol) for when they do come in contact with it. Otherwise, when your children leave the house they will either rebel against you or agree with what is presented to them by the liberal media, because you didn’t take the opportunity of this event to teach values. Real world examples are the best way to show kids how to implement values and principals. Obviously you have seen it, otherwise you wouldn’t have commented. Don’t put your head in the sand. Shutting the t.v. off is just one thing you can do; but plugging your ears and shouting lalalala is a very immature way of handling a growing, and out of control, societal problem. Cyrus is a problem because she once appeared to stand for strong family values and then slowly transitioned to the walking abortion she is now. I’m sorry if I offend you but this is a discussion that is needed to be had candidly. We need to hold on to the values that the liberal media is carefully eroding away. These are scary times and technology in all its forms can be used for evil. That doesn’t mean we refuse the technology. We prepare our children through open discussion especially as our children get older.
“The world we live in is twisted and broken”
-You think the world should be filled with gummy bears, puffy pink clouds and unicorns (but without a horn, that thing’s dangerous),
-You think the world is cruel, unfair, unbearably and unspeakably totally mean. Especially to women.
I dont know which one’s right. Either way, that looks pretty manichaean.The world is what you think it is and what you make of it.
If you keep thinking that way you’re the only one who’ll end up twisted and broken; while everybody else will laugh, smoke, tan, f**k, and try their best not to die in a rotten pit covered in archaic principles only here to protect you from reality (and who will obviously fail).
You wanna be a girl? you’re not gonna become one by lifting weights like the guys or fighting for a quixotic equal status.
Men and women are different. They cant and will never be the same. Ever. A man cannot bat eyelashes (well ,he can but… well, he doesnt for obvious reasons>doesnt make anything).
David did not defeat Goliath with a sword. He didnt have one.
You dont have one either, deal with it. You have your strength and whimpering wont give you any.
Thats what im gonna tell my girl and she’ll eventually turn into a badass woman who has boobs, heels, skirts, eyelashes, and is not ashamed of it.
A girl with cleavage is not a whore.
Please grow up.
Not one to criticise something that strikes a positive chord with others, but how this list of clichés is being developed into “a 3 book deal” is beyond me. What here have you not read on dozens of blogs before? And the teenage girls I have worked with just love reading righteous advice in lists and shaping their decisions on them as they are prescribed by their parents. Three words describe how to shape our youth in the way we would hope for them: positive role models.
Your actions speak louder than words. Especially clichés.
You lost me at, “‘Follow your heart’ is probably the worst advice ever.” If anything, following our hearts is the most hopeful advice I could give to a child in a world that pushes us to do everything but. Just because we have heard it so often and we think it is cute and sentimental and nothing more, says to me that we are truly lost and are in need of something true to follow. The heart is an organ of great feeling and if we sat still every once in a while to really feel what is going on down there and what it is trying to say, I think we would be shocked at the wisdom and guidance we might discover. Unfortunately, I feel desensitization is a real thing and we have come to believe there is no feeling left at all. I think the longer we choose not to pay attention, the weaker and more faint it’s guidance becomes. We have become desensitized to ourselves. There are other things that I disagree with as well as agree with in this post, but the boldness to advise people not to “follow their hearts” and put it on the web for millions of people, let alone kids, to see, cannot go unquestioned. Perhaps it is just a misunderstanding of what the “cliche” really means. There is a reason we hear it so often, and if we are confused by what it means, maybe we should ask ourselves and see what we come up with instead of casting it off as “Disney movie advice.” I guarantee this “piece of advice” has been around longer than Disneyland. It is said everywhere by every language in every possible way. My heart advises you to rethink number 5.
Don’t listen to the haters (they’re telling you you’re “not right enough”); this list is awesome!
So in one section, you’re saying that others opinions about you arent important, because you are “enough” or whatever. but then you also say that you SHOULD care what others think of you…? And not to follow your heart?
I read a study that said men who look at breasts live longer than those who don’t. Maybe it’s normal…
I appreciate the sentiment to help children. Mine don’t watch TV, or anything else that could be harmful to them. That’s what parents are for. From the jungles of our primitive past to modern day urban living, children need watching and protection to varying degrees based on age and ability.
Children can see through hypocrisy and when something is contrary to their nature. Good luck on preaching to them…
I agree people could’ve changed the channel and she’s not on Disney anymore so she should be allowed to do what she wants she’s a star why does it matter its not like you or your child will ever meet her she doesn’t give two fucks about you and I highly doubt you give two fucks about her. Yes what she did on tv was bad but like I said you could’ve changed the channel. Grow the fuck up.
Loved this!
This is a terrible list of things to tell your teenage daughter. I hope no girls read tho and take it to heart. None.
If I care about what other people thought about me I would had blown my brains out years ago. What other people thought about was not nice, it was not pretty, it was not kind; it was harsh and unforgiving. When I sat down with 2 grams of cocaine, and was about the rid myself from the world, I realized, I did not have care about what they said about me, because what they say about me is not me. They still tell me I’m useless and everything I do is wrong, but now instead of caring I say, “Thank you for your opinion, but I was not asking for your opinion, nor do I care whether or not I am of any use to you or your little world’. The day I stopped caring what other people thought about me was they day I grew up and started living.
‘Follow your heart’ is not the worst advice ever. Not following your heart is horrible. My heart sleeps with kindness and love, but not following my heart makes me cold and hate-filled. Your heart and your soul is where the true you lives, so why would you not want to go where the true you is at?
Also, talking from experience, it doesn’t matter what you wear; people will still look at you as a object and nothing more. I have walked around naked before and received more respect than I ever have cloaked or veiled. It’s mostly how the person acts. If a veiled woman acts like a slut then I would want nothing to do with her, and if a naked woman acts like the queen of the world with a demand for respect I would look up to her and love her for who she is.
Now, finally on Miley’s performance, it was bad. I would not had paid to see that performance in a gentlemen’s club or a strip joint; women there have more respect for themselves than Miley did on stage at the VMAs.
If we really want to help our teens interpret Miley’s performance and all the other things they see on youtube with or without or permission, the conversations about identity have to be more sophisticated than this article suggests. A list of dos and don’ts will never suffice in this complex media environment. We also have to remember that ultimately WE are our childrens’ role models, not Miley.
I’ve gotta say, all straight teen boys have the urge to look at all girls’ boobs. That’s a fact of nature. Warning girls about those leering boys is a little silly. Girls who are busy with their school activities and friends, who are close with and actively supported by their families and who pursue academic excellence are less likely to get caught up in flaunting their bodies to attract boys. At the same time, it is natural for girls who are becoming sexual beings to want to be noticed. It’s all about balance.
Is the world we live in really twisted and broken? This morning I’m looking out my back window at our lake and the sun is sparkling on the water. Later our kids will be jumping off the dock and swimming. Neighbor kids will probably come by to visit. We’ll eat dinner in the back yard. What I see around us is God’s beautiful creation and the amazing people he put on this earth. Will the kids be subjected to lies? Sure. But they will also be subjected to truth and love.
Let’s not fly off the handle just because Miley Cyrus likes to stick out her tongue and gyrate.
WELL… all those little ex-Disney princesses being churned out of the Disney Machine into an endless supply of out-of-control gyrating sex objects and rehab clients… one things for sure… Disney Inc sure know how to f*ck ’em up!